"Hello Standard Party Supply Co. support line. This is Scott speaking. What's your emergency?"
"Ugh. I told a friend I'd go to their housewarming but I'm broke and can't think of anything fun to bring and my ex is going to be there with his new boyfriend and..."
"Mmm hmm. Okay. I need you to breathe. Let's walk you through this. I've studied Halle Berry's performance in The Call, which is basically a master class on calmly navigating high-pressure situations."
"The one where that creep steals her kid at the amusement park?"
"Um, that's Kidnap - which is another brilliant performance but an entirely different skill set. The Call is the one where she plays a 9-1-1 operator and rescues Abigail Breslin from a serial killer."
"It came out in 2013. You've had time. We're getting sidetracked. I need you to focus. Do you have access to a printer?"
"My roommate does."
"Great. What about an X-Acto knife?"
"I have scissors."
"Okay. It's not going to be easy but we can make that work. I need you to look around the room. Do you see any card stock?"
"What do you mean?"
"Card stock. Any kind of thick paper. It would be amazing if it were green."
"There are some ads in this old Vogue that look like they're on thick paper."
"That's good, that's good. You're doing great. I need you to tear those pages out. I have a template for you to download. You can print it on to those. We just need the paper to be thick enough to support tortilla chips."
"Listen, I'm the one here asking the questions. I need you to trust me. Do you trust me?"
"I'm going to need you to print out the template and let's start cutting."
"The party is in 20 minutes. THERE'S NO TIME!"
"Don't quit on me now. We're going to get you through this. Let me direct you to something you can print out right now and take with you. It's free and maybe you pick up some cheap flowers from the bodega on the way. But, please keep the chi-peonies you and I talked about in mind for the future. Even if it's just you around your house. Make yourself a little guacamole and throw a little one-person party. Maybe watch Gothika. Cut up some chi-peonies, make a little Instagram story and I'm sure your ex will see them and think about how great you are and how much fun you had in Tokyo in 2015. He'll be lying there in bed, watching your stories and thinking what a mouth breather his new boyfriend is."
"Thank you. Truly."
"Don't thank me. This is all Halle."
(Psst. It's just us. This is all yours as our gift-with-no-purchase. Could we ask one favor? Go check out the Lower East Side Girls Club and the great work they're doing.)